Toilet paper has, in recent years, become something of a hot topic. First there was the hoarding. Along with hand sanitiser, the ubiquitous white fluffy stuff became elusive, treasured, and highly sought after. And that was great. Then the New York Times wrote the definitive guide to toilet paper, taking into account factors of comfort, lint content, sturdiness, and availability. What then materialised was something few could have predicted. San Francisco social worker and ad hoc econo-anthropologist Victor Ly created the Toilet Paper Value Calculater to help savvy consumers gauge the overall value of their roll of choice.
In the past year, the cost of toilet paper has gone up 20%, and I’m here to say it’s not enough. Toilet paper needs to be more expensive. Otherwise, everybody will be able to have it and it will no longer be special. No longer will it demonstrate that someone has fought, sacrificed, suffered in the name of essential hygiene. When toilet paper ceases to be a relatively insurmountable desire, towards what will people have to strive? About what will they dream? For what will they want? Without toilet paper being exorbitantly expensive and/or scarce, the middle class appetite for vapid and unfulfilling social mobility will be lost forever – we simply cannot have it.
That’s why I was overjoyed when I happened upon the public bathrooms at Carousel du Louvre, an upscale shopping mall next to the Louvre in Paris. Whereas public bathrooms in the basement cost the standard €0,50, the “spa-toilets” on the ground level at Point WC du Carrousel du Louvre cost three times that at €1,50. Finally, an economically discerning bathroom to distill the lavatorily distinguished audience from, well, let’s just say it – the basic bathroom bitches.
If overpriced toilet stalls and rude washroom attendants doesn’t already entice you, next comes the good part: the toilet paper. Instead of that primitive white garbage, the Point WC du Carrousel du Louvre sells an exclusive line of luxury coloured rolls. Priced at €9,90 per set of 6, or a bargain €5,50 for Eiffel Tower patterned roll, this is the kind of thing we really need to see more of. Don’t worry, that’s not all they sell. One can also purchase a tree-shaped toilet paper holder, or Portes papier toilettes Arbre, for a cool €155. Or a Parisian metro map toilet seat for €95. That’s right. Run, do not walk, to get yours now. For the athletes out there they do sell a toilet-adjacent putting green with miniature golf club, but at only €15,90, I was a bit disappointed by how affordable that was for such a necessary bathroom accessory. Besides, if everyone gets to play golf when they’re on the latrine, it might cease to be the gloriously elite and expensive sport we all know and love.
In case you get confused in public bathrooms, each stall has a name. Names like Cosy, Urban, and Toilet Spirit were among my favourites. On your way out be sure to have a look at the toilet paper exhibition, where a veritable rainbow of rolls line the walls like cotton gemstones waiting to be taken home. All I can say is, I know where I’ll be stocking up from now on.
Carrousel du Louvre is located at 99 Rue de Rivoli, 75001 Paris, France
